One Antares
Two Capella
Three Canopus
Four Arcturus
Five Agreetor
Six Anektor
Seven Duendin
Eight Algerib
Nine Agena
Ten Lalandry
Eleven Vega
Twelve Golubin
Thirteen Spirro
Fourteen Capra
Fifteen Acrab
Sixteen Deneb
Seventeen Sapho
Eighteen Castor
Nineteen Pollux
Twenty Storcha
Twenty-one Algano
Twenty-two Spira
Twenty-three Salcis
Twenty-four Hoytan
Twenty-five Luper
Twenty-six MacKay
Twenty-seven Regulus
Twenty-eight Eiridani
Twenty-nine Tenna
Thirty Riga
Thirty-one Cursa
Thirty-two Thuba
Thirty-three Mett
Thirty-four Mack
Thirty-five Mez
Thirty-six Lap
Thirty-seven Zed
Thirty-eight Diss
Thirty-nine Bolse
Forty Daron
Forty-one Jeannus
Forty-two Touros
Forty-three Plin
Forty-four Paul
Forty-five Broma
Forty-six Branca
Forty-seven Bellatrix
Forty-eight Mirach
Forty-nine Almach
Fifty Caff
Fifty-one Corboda
Fifty-two Ceti
Fifty-three Cruzer
Fifty-four Spira
Fifty-five Schredder
Fifty-six Abiera
Fifty-seven Dipda
Fifty-eight Kracklite
Fifty-nine Salcis
Sixty Okkra
Sixty-one Bolstar
Sixty-two Beastal
Sixty-three Procis
Sixty-four Salamon
Sixty-five Groombridge
Sixty-six Betelguese
Sixty-seven Stobart
Sixty-eight Gobin
Sixty-nine Adnam
Seventy Boston
Seventy-one Scheet
Seventy-two Nath
Seventy-three Stratt
Seventy-four Kriss
Seventy-five Bosch
Seventy-six Louis
Seventy-seven Borick
Seventy-eight Crupel
Seventy-nine Indi
Eighty Smeltzer
Eighty-one Crucis
Eighty-two Banka
Eighty-three Altair
Eighty-four Nollar
Eighty-five Schrader
Eighty-six Fabriticus
Eighty-seven Lucius
Eighty-eight Kuellar
Eighty-nine Kitaj
Ninety Bethal
Ninety-one Britius
Ninety-two Colcis
Ninety-three Centaur
Ninety-four Sopul
Ninety-five Jonah
Ninety-six Vierny
Ninety-seven Ritback
Ninety-eight Rostra
Ninety-nine Procyon
and a hundred Elektra
What are you doing up so late?
I'm counting the stars.
Do you really know all their names?
Yes I do.
How many did you count?
A hundred.
There are more than a hundred.
I know.
Why did you stop?
A hundred is enough.
Once you've counted to a hundred, all the other hundreds are the same.
Take your clothes off girl.
My name's Nellie and there's not room in that bath for two of us.
Who says two's going in it?
I'm surprised you haven't got a proper bath.
I like a tin bath.
Take that light further off.
What are you frightened of?
Ashamed I might see your underwear? Or aren't you wearing any?
I'm cold standing here! I want a bath too!
There's one outside under the apple tree.
Moonlight, Good for the complexion
Oh Cissy!
We've been using your soap.
Hey it's her birthday today, and I took her out to celebrate.
Why don't you wish her happy birthday Cissy.
She's as naked
as a new born babe.
Nothing wrong with that is there Cissy?
You're not supposed to be here.
You're supposed to be playing cards,
backgammon, newmarket and whist,
then 2 in a row, 3 in a bed, 4 in hand
5 card stud...
along with your friend...
Madgett...
Hey get a towel Cissy she's drunk too much
If you play the cards right Cissy
well you can get your clothes off and come in here too.
I've had a wash
She gave me one. Nancy...
One...
I've had a wash already Cissy
Nancy gave it to me
Nancy gave it to me, lets play a game...
Three...
Smut
Get up and answer the phone!
In the game of dawn card castles,
52 playing cards
are stacked up into a castle in a draft free space.
The player can determine the dreams of the next night
if he awakes before the castle collapses.
Those players who wish to dream of romance
build their castles with the 7 of hearts.
He's put a lot of weight on recently.
You'll wake him and he'll want to eat.
The only time he stops eating is when he's asleep.
Is it warm enough for this?
I phoned Madgett, he didn't answer.
What did you want to do that for?
I've just drowned Jake.
Do all fat men have little penises?
I don't know mother, I've not known... what do you mean?
When you first met Hardy did he have a moustache?
What do you mean you just drowned Jake?
I don't like the beard.
No neither do I, I'm trying to persuade him to shave it off.
What do you mean you've just drowned Jake?
Yes, I need your help to move her.
- Move who? - Nancy
Nancy who?
Nancy Gill, she calls herself Nel.
What has she got to do with it? Have you drowned her too?
He doesn't smell very fresh, does he?
He looks pregnant, I like these creases.
We better phone Madgett again.
Perhaps he can help us.
"Us", mother?
The game "flights of Fancy" or "Reverse Strip Jump"
is played
from as high a jumping point as a competitor will dare.
After each successful jump,
the competitor is allowed to put on
an article of clothing.
Damn!
What are we going to say if we meet someone?
It depends who it is.
Morning, just taking Nancy home, she popped round for a bath.
She could lose some weight.
Everyone seems to be getting fatter.
Jake must've thought things were getting better all the time.
I was only 25 when your father died.
And plump enough.
Look at her thumbs.
Seamstresses thumbs, well turned.
Was Jake interested in thumbs?
Eh not especially as I remember.
Mother are you going to sneeze?
No, I can smell something.
It's Smut.
Oh Madgett must keep him from using that paint. It makes such a mess.
What's the smell?
It's gunpowder, Smut's been celebrating our corpse.
Ah! It's still wet.
Sheep are especially sensitive
to the exact moment of the turn of the tide.
In this game, nine tethered sheep, react
pull on the stakes
jog the chairs and rattle the tea cups.
Madgett, where the hell do you keep all these sheep?
Don't you like sheep?
Shoo them away if you don't like them.
Bets are taken on the combined sensitivity
of any line of 3 sheep,
read vertically, horizontally or diagonally.
Since there are normally 3 tide turns every 24 hours,
it is normal practise to take the best of 3 results.
Reliable clocks, calendars and timetables
are used to determine the accuracy of the sheep's forecast.
Did you remember?
Yes. Now they are slightly damaged,
be careful.
Why didn't you answer the phone earlier Smut?
I never answer the phone until the cock crows 3 times.
It's nice to see you both so early.
How's Hardy?
He's alright.
What are they doing?
They're playing "Sheep and Tides".
Sheep are much maligned don't you think?
Smut and I are testing their intelligence.
It's an Old Testament game.
No it's not.
Isn't it?
Have some heart... How's Jake?
No thank you... and Jake's alright.
Mother, that's not true.
What are you doing Smut?
I'm counting the hairs on the dog.
- What ever for? - To see how many there are.
Madgett, I think you ought to come and see Jake.
Smut
Go and give Gregory and Teigan some tea.
What about the sheep?
They need to be thirsty to be useful.
Why do I have to come and see Jake?
Is he dead?
Good lord, how did you know?
I didn't.
I feel ill.
It's those mushrooms.
I've got to lie down.
For God's sake Madgett, why have you have to feel ill now?
Look I'm going to phone Cissy, tell her that Nancy needs a visit.
Madgett I've got to talk to you about Jake.
Oh Cissy, I can't talk now, I feel ill.
Tell Smut when he comes back I need some warm milk
and some lemon juice...
and a straw.
In the game of sheep and tides,
a referee should be appointed to determine fair-play
distinguishing correct reactions from other interferences.
On account of their special relationship with sheep
shepherds are disqualified..
The tides on the turn now!
No, not yet.
3... 2... 1... now!
No, you fool!
No you missed it!
You can't go by the book.
You have to watch... very carefully.
What happened?
I drowned him in his bath.
Oh God!
Come and see, it looks natural.
Madgett, you are going to help me, pull yourself together.
I am?
And what is in it for me?
Madgett, you're coroner.
For God's sake stop reminding me... but that's nice.
Try a bit lower.
Shall I leave now? While you two come to some sort of agreement?
Don't be stupid.
I couldn't find any lemon juice,
you'll have to do with one chocolate pudding.
Oh Madgett... oh come on Madgett
Cissy
I'm in no especial hurry to assist your crimes.
Madgett, there's a corpse in my house.
It's only your husband.
The flies are settling on him.
Brush them off, use a newspaper.
Madgett, I want legal aid, not a fly swat.
A great many things are dying very violently all the time.
The best days for violent deaths are Tuesdays
they are the yellow paint days.
Saturdays are second best, or worst.
Saturdays are red paint days.
The Great Death game is therefore
a contest between red paint days and yellow paint days.
So far yellow paint days are winning
by thirty one corpses to twenty nine.
Whatever the colour,
a violent death is always celebrated by a firework.
He is dead.
Well done, Madgett!
What did he die of?
Well... he drowned.
- Did he? - Of course
Why did he die?
There's a strong smell of alcohol.
So there is.
He drowned in his bath,
due to excessive drinking?
Unlikely.
Even in the most disadvantageous circumstances,
human beings have an almost involuntary desire to stay alive.
What's the answer then?
- What's the reward? - Reward?
Yes
What do I get for writing out a death certificate that says:
"Death caused by drowning
after heart attack due to excessive drinking"?
Madgett I'm appalled!
I see.
What do you want Madgett?
Well Cissy...
I'd have thought you'd have guessed.
No, you tell me.
Is this the moment when we leave the room?
Yes. The second tub needs emptying.
Well?
Well...
A little bodily comfort would be good for a start...
Madgett, I am sixty one.
Aren't I too old for you?
Were you too old for him?
Cissy
You've not been unaware of how I felt about you?
Well it's a bit soon isn't it?
Smut which are you first? A ghoul or a mathematician?
Neither I'm just a clerk.
Modest!
I could wait... a little while...
I think you'd have to, to stop tongues wagging.
But not too long.
This is blackmail.
Yes.
If a player in the game of Dead Man's Catch, drops a skittle
he is obliged to suffer a succession of handicaps
First
to catch using one hand
then to catch kneeling on one knee
then on two knees, and then with one eye closed.
If a player finally drops a catch with both eyes closed,
then he is out and must take his place in the winding sheet.
Madgett, what sort of game is this?
One to be played with skill.
Some skill! It's kids game..
That was a lousy throw Smut.
Stop complaining and use one hand.
Look Madgett this is no time for playing games,
What would everybody think?
Let them think what they like.
Is Cissy upset?
Best to keep her mind occupied, down on one knee, Bellamy.
These are my best trousers! I came to pay my respects.
Well you can pay your respects kneeling.
I can't spend all my times paying games Cissy.
What's your time worth Hardy?
I was married to Jake for 34 years, surely you can spare him a few minutes.
Is he going to be buried or cremated Cissy?
Cremated.
And where are you going to scatter the ashes?
Don't worry, I'll find a suitable place for those.
You're hard hearted.
And you're a lousy catch, no eyes and no hands!
Into the winding sheet Hardy, you're dead.
God you're a little ghoul Smut.
Who is your father?
No hands Bellamy.
Alright! You did that on purpose Smut!
Into the winding sheet, Bellamy. It's only a game.
The way Madgett plays it you'd think it meant something
Well of course it does.
It means you're a lousy catch.
So, Madgett, what's the verdict?
Accidental death of course.
Into the winding sheet Smut!
Into the winding sheet Madgett!
I've found you three more stars.
Cygnia Beta, Castor Minor and Groombridge 35.
There in the North, between the twins and Ursula Minor,
Over by Cissy's house.
Why don't you skip out on the road? There's more room.
Are you circumcised?
What's that?
A piece of your willy is cut off, it's in the bible.
My mother says, it's better that way.
These are the photos of Madgett's game for taking Jake to the funeral parlour.
Who is that?
It's Cissy's boyfriend, His name is Bellamy.
On his deathbed, Prime Minister Pitt said:
I think I could eat one of Bellamy's pork pies.
When are you going to break away from that butt and come and live with me.
I'll marry you on two conditions.
What are they?
That you learn to swim...
and never,
never, take me from the front.
I've told you before.
Why the hell not?
Because I can't stand being lain on and it gives me claustrophobia.
Besides,
you won't hurt the baby.
What baby?
That scared you didn't it?
What baby?
There's no baby you dope, though the way you go about it I'm constantly surprised.
Fancy a plumber not being able to swim.
What's water for?
Drinking perhaps?
Alright Cissy, why did you do it?
Because he was unfaithful.
He's been unfaithful before, why did you wait until now?
Because
Because he'd stopped washing his feet... because...
his nose was too red...
because he had a hairy backside...
because...
I didn't kill him, he drowned.
I drowned him.
- Was it easy? - Yes
What is it?
Oh Smut!
What have you found?
How old is Nancy?
25.
Older than me and bigger tits.
What does that mean?
It means Jake made a play for me once.
He what?
And me.
What a dirty old man.
Why have you told me now?
It might help.
I didn't like him.
Is that sufficient reason to drown him?
Madgett says it is.
That's pretty irresponsible for a coroner.
Isn't it?
If you ask him nicely he might be irresponsible enough to help you.
That's Smut
We lose one, win one.
What?
A husband.
I've got some news for you.
Bellamy and me...
or is it "I"?
Have decided on a date, the 31st of this month.
It's a Saturday.
Well you don't look too excited about it.
Madgett will be pleased for me.
He, least of all.
Moths?
Yes. Look up those.
Elephant Hawk Moth.
I want a baby.
At nineteen?
Cissy, you are mad.
I thought you wanted to spend your life swimming, not bearing children.
Bellamy can't even swim.
- I don't think he can change a lightbulb. - I know.
Championship women swimmers always have their sons early.
And how sure are you that it will be a boy?
Capable women normally have girls.
What do you want?
I'm hot.
Is it true it's desirable to be circumcised in a hot climate?
So they say.
Was Samson circumcised?
Does it hurt?
I don't remember.
What does it look like?
Nothing special. Look..
Now go to bed.
Was Delilah circumcised? Do they circumcise women?
Sort of... in hot countries.
- It's hot here. - So it is
Did they do it to Cissy?
I doubt it very much.
Was Jake circumcised?
You better ask Cissy.
Is circumcision barbaric?
Some say so. Now go to bed,
and anything unanswered about man's barbarity to women,
you can ask Cissy in the morning, she's an authority.
Now let me write.
Sid!
Number 41. It's by the bridge in Cattermole Road.
What's he doing?
He's counting the bees, always counting something.
Bees should be told about a death.
That only applies to blood relatives doesn't it?
Isn't she going to be a blood relative?
Isn't who?
Cissy, Jake's widow.
Gregory!
What makes you think that?
Isn't that why you signed the death certificate "heart attack"?
Good lord, Gregory, what an imagination.
I know. I got it from my mother.
Mothers have a lot to answer for.
Oh sorry it's Smut, here have a newspaper.
Smut
You're late, you're supposed to be swimming.
Gregory, come and try this new game with me. You too, Nancy.
I've got to go, you've forgotten to tell Madgett about...
He doesn't want to know about them! Silly girl!
Right then Nancy, see you later.
Mind the sheep!
The game Bees of the Trees is a variant of Musical Chairs
it is best played with funeral music and in open air.
The object of the game is to sit on a vacant chair when the music stops.
If the chair sat on is previously occupied by bees,
it is permissible to arrange a professional foul.
Are you Cissy Colpitt?
I am but there are others.
Our name's Bognor.
B.O.G.N.O.R.
I am Jonah and this is Moses
We're cousins of the dead man.
What dead man?
Come on don't be stupid. Jake of course.
Pleased to meet you. Are you in training too?
Training?
For the Olympics.
No, are you?
Yes
Well my coach is over there.
The one in the red beret trained with Dawn Fraser.
The other one swam with Esther Williams in Stockholm.
I thought Esther Williams, was a singer?
Do you know those two men?
Wait a minute... they do look vaguely familiar...
They know you.
They do?
They're Jake's cousins, they're called Moses and Jonah.
The water's a connection
How much do you think body hair is appreciably...
responsible for extra drag Miss Freilichberg?
Pardon?
Do you think I ought to shave and not just my legs?
What do you think I'd look like bald?
What?
Did Bellamy and you do that?
*** swimming ***
When I need to impress I expect support.
Pardon.
The turn...
it is essential that the muscles of the pelvis
move at 45 degrees at an angle to the front.
Johnny Weissmullers...
stop that... legs
Oh Smut
Here's your towel.
It's alright, these have been counted.
Look!
A man that is born of a woman has but a short time to live...
You know why they built the crematorium here don't you?
The ground is so water logged around here..
That you can't dig a grave without making a pond..
Ask Sid.
As it is they hold these services at low tide in case the water puts the fire out!
Cissy!
Here comes the bit I've never liked..
Bite your lip and start counting in threes.
3... 6... 9...
12... 15... 18...
21... 24... 27...
30... 33... 36... 39...
42... 45... 48... 51...
What are they doing?
They're counting. They often do it.
Are you the local coroner?
How come a six foot man
drowned in a four foot bath?
He died of a heart attack.
A bit inconvenient to have a heart attack in a bath isn't it?
It's a bit inconvenient to have a heart attack anywhere.
What would you say if we said we don't agree with your verdict?
I'd say you'd better find me some evidence to the contrary.
How's about "Why were there two baths?", eh Madgett?
I had a sort of complaint recently from Nancy..
She came to me to complain of erm... red paint on her leg
lost shoes and...
some other I gather rather embarrassing missing article.
- Her knickers. - Really?
How do you know that?
Because she paid me to go into your kitchen and look for them.
She what?
Well she used to be my Sunday School teacher.
She taught me the ten commandments - not to lie...
Not to commit adultery...
Shut up Cissy
and I found them under your sink,
put them in my pocket and told her they weren't there.
Which was true because they were in my pocket.
And here they are.
They would of cost another 50 pence.
That shows great presence of mind.
And a taste for business.
Well that settles it then.
If I go down you all go down with me.
Look who's there.
Nancy.
And the two swimmers from the baths.
And Bellamy.
Perhaps there's a conspiracy.
A water tower conspiracy.
Set to accuse you, Cissy, of drowning.
Rubbish!
The object of hangman's cricket is for each competitor
to retain his alloted nine lives
by scoring runs with a cat or bat,
defending his lower leg from being struck by the ball.
There is no limit to the number of players
as long as each has an identity agreed by the two referees.
Now bat harder or play without shoes!
This game of yours Madgett has everything in it except the kitchen sink.
Thank you.
When played inland Mrs Hardy...
The more important identities are the emperor,
the red queen, the widow,
the fat lady,
the dunce, the judge, the hangman,
the harlot
Come on you two, out!
The businessman, the maiden
Go and do your fornication elsewhere.
It's not fornication any more
You buy a marriage licence and it becomes legal
Not on my couch it doesn't.
I'll give you 3 minutes to make yourself decent.
Hasn't the novelty worn off yet.
Well you see Hardy, we've only been married for two hours.
Oh like hell!
Every cow in every field in the district has seen the colour of your arse Bellamy.
Crabby idiot!
Hey do you think he ever did it?
Ask Cissy.
The adulterer can only play with the harlot..
When each has an even number of lives above twelve
I am Marina, I'm Bellamy's sister. Are you Madgett? - I am
If I am in mourning, why do I have to catch one handed?
Grief is a handicap my dear.
So is not being able to see.
The mother in-law is only allotted 5 runs at a time
after which she must defer
to the gravedigger who is allowed to add
the number of runs of each competitor he bowls out to his own.
Out Hardy!
She's cheating!
I do not want to put fetish punch and judy shows on lonely bachelors
nor do I run a bordello for newly weds.
If the phone rings, or if someone breaks their leg
or if you decide to play a proper game I'll be in the sea swimming!
Hardy's right.
This is my wedding party, why can't we play some proper cricket.
To dangerous!
The maiden is always obliged to be a spectator
unless she is partnered by the twins.
Good afternoon, remember us? We're the Bognor brothers, I'm Jonah
- and I'm Moses. - I remember
We'd like a word with you.
In private if possible.
Well what the hell do you know about cricket?
It's no more dangerous than any other game.
1931, Chapman Ridger, Australia.
A blow to the chest.
Scores 51 runs, then has heart palpitations for 12 hours...
a cracked rib enters the lung, coughing blood
dies the next day in bed with a blonde surfer called Adeline.
Summer of 52. Blow to the top of the head... coma...
His last know words are: "Bugger Bognor".
No sorry that was Edward the seventh.
Sorry chaps, no offence.
What's a matter with Madgett? He hates cricket.
He's showing off.
He likes acting...
He might just be distracting everyone from what's happening...
in the sea.
The business man can be saved if he submits...
to a red queen
but in doing so he must pay a forfit.
It's alright, it's alright mother... Cissy
Get them out of here and go and find some scissors.
I'm alright mother just leave me alone I just want to be still.
If you have a hangman you have to pair with a judge...
By the time we've learnt your rules it'll be dark.
Anything worth learning takes a little time.
Cut my hair
I'll feel better
You eat too much.
The full flavour of the game of hangman's cricket, is best appreciated
after the game has been played for several hours.
By then every player has a fair understanding of the many rules
and knows which character he wants to play permanently.
Finally an outright loser is found,
and is obliged to present himself to the hangman
who is always merciless.
I haven't found 54 yet.
Send her a horse chesnut tree in Nightingale Lane.
Here it's near a water hydrant.
Then Delilah cut off Samson's hair, I think.
At a large party he summoned up the last of his strength
held onto two pillars and pulled the house down.
His last words were - "and take good care of Nelly"
Who is Nelly?
This is Nelly
Although she sometimes insists on being called Nancy.
It was Charles the second
His last words were - "and take good care of Nelly"
Who told you that?
My mother, she said she'd wished she'd been Nell Gwynne
Because she'd liked to have serviced Charles II.
You really could skip more out on the road.
The rope wouldn't slap on the doorstep that way.
My mother says I'm not to go out.
It's dangerous, there are evil men about.
Hold still.
Alright next. Off stump crease
Left handed bat
Left arm bowler.
New ball... soft ground
off spinner... oh
Too low.
Difficult to see how the ball hit him there but still.
Tolly Schriker, 1931.
Scored 58 runs with one eye closed,
before falling down pavilion steps.
Died in "Brisbane Municipal". That's another black cross.
Hold still.
Smut, pour Cissy a cup of tea.
Oh don't bother, I'll pour if you're busy playing cricket
Bellamy has given me this idea
for a book of cricketing deaths
games can be very dangerous
Madgett you could talk with Cissy
Why could I?
Marrying Bellamy isn't the best thing she could've done
A bit late now.
Why saddle herself with his lechery?
Are you against lechery?
You know I'm not.
How do I know that?
You don't.
Try along that hedge.
May I kiss you?
If you like just here though
Oh that's chaste.
Please believe I appreciate your attentions,
but you'll have to wait a little while.
And who knows, your prospects might improve.
Cissy's more your age.
But don't go getting ideas about Hardy
This time I'm not playing games.
Don't you?
It's impossible to tell with you
I don't think you really know yourself do you?
May I see what I've always wanted to see?
What is that?
You, without any clothes on.
What a strange desire.
That's a strange game Madgett.
Is it?
And here is certainly not the time and place.
Are you going to the police if I don't co-operate.
I might.
There was a man at Pulham Market, who died in his car.
He was wealthy, a farmer.
He drove his car into a wood near Thomstot
turned off the engine, made himself comfortable
and quietly died.
I could find absolutely nothing wrong with him.
I expect he died of unrequited love.
Is that what you do when you can't find a reason for death.
Write - "died of unrequited love"
In his case I wrote "heart attack after bowls match"
Trust you to put a game in.
You didn't stay long..
Where is your torch.
I lost it.
What do you mean?
I'll come and get it tomorrow
Did you catch anything interesting?
Nothing much.
Lets go to my place and I'll make some supper.
When you want something Hardy how do you ask for it?
I say please.
Please Hardy can we have a fuck.
Or if I'm in the office I'll pick up the phone and dial 9.
Emergency, which service...
All I get is the police the ambulance or the fire brigade, which one do you want.
- Do you want to speak to them? - No thank you
Which service do you require?
I'm sorry there is no fire, accident, burglary, rape or murder.
Yet
thank you
But don't go away because we might need you.
I usually find that one 9 suffices.
And if it doesn't I write a note.
- A memorandum - Yes
Well I suppose I could try that
and if pressed, you know very well I'll do the best I can to oblige.
- You're so considerate - You're so imaginative
Well I have to be for the two of us
Mind the juice doesn't stain the sofa.
Show me your tongue.
Just as I thought, it's yellow.
Does that mean I'm unwell.
What do you think?
A little colouring goes a long way artificial colouring can be dangerous.
So can too much abstinence
Hardy
Now I need warming up.
My mother says
that hot tea on a hot day
can make a body feel very cool.
You're about to make some tea?
I'm not that thirsty.
What does your mother say about swimming?
Reading between the lines,
I'd say she's made at least one public statement about bodies in water.
You Colpitt's women always have a lot of trouble with men, why do you think that is?
I'll leave you to think about that.
Oh I always think much better in the bath.
I wonder if it was the same with Jake?
I don't think Jake was much of a thinking man.
I'm going for a swim.
Hope you drown.
Thank you.
You can look after the typewriter.
Bugger your typewriter!
K.I.S.S.
M.E.
H.A.R.D.
Stupid bloody idiot.
What's the matter?
My stomach.
Don't fool around, just get me out.
I've just ruined your very best typewriter.
You what?
And now I'm going to do my best to drown you.
The Colpitt prerogative.
You're so stubborn you won't sink
Get me out, for god's sake.
Get me out.
You think I can't do it?
Start drowning you dope.
You haven't a chance.
That was a preliminary, here comes the real attempt.
It must be your money that keeps you afloat.
You and your belly are stubborn.
Please, I can't move my legs
Help
Help please
Leave me now.
I want to be alone with him.
We can't leave you.
Yes you can he's my husband
Where is your phone?
It's alright, you must let me phone the police.
Or the ambulance
or the fire brigade
and the coroner.
Are you sure you're going to be alright?
If you want a witness our name is Van Dyke.
Mr 70 and Mr 71 Van Dyke.
Smut go and get the tea.
You women are getting too proficient at this.
We aim to please the coroner.
The body is already undressed.
I did not imagine he went swimming with his clothes on
Doesn't it make it easier for you?
Nothing you do makes it easier for me.
You've got to stop.
One is just possible, two is very unlikely.
You have no prerogative on drowning.
The coroners office is inviolate
- Not violation. - Yeah of course it's not.
Don't be so melodramatic Madgett.
I feel ill.
Why do you always feel ill at times like this?
It's the excitement, it goes to my stomach.
Haha Id have thought you'd have got over that by now.
It's only with special cases.
Drownings?
Yes, and the women.
Women?
Yeah, and personal involvements.
Haven't you heard of coincidence?
I've heard of it.
Doesn't it appeal to you?
Only as an idea, not as a police enquiry
Cissy
Where did it happen?
On the beach.
Could you say where exactly on the beach.
Oh it's covered now with the tide.
Smut you haven't brought your red paint?
No Cissy, today's Tuesday, Tuesday's colour is yellow.
I am bound to say that I could try and revive him even now, it has been know...
Don't be stupid Madgett and don't try.
The man's name is Hardy and not Lazarus.
Now let us turn to page 72. Jean, 11
verse 23.
Jesus says unto them...
My brother...
I shouldn't take it too seriously.
A great many things are dying very violently all the time.
Ask Smut.
Small comfort Madgett.
On the contrary, I'd say a great relief.
Well I'd rather be alive and alone than dead in company.
What are you doing that for?
Smut... he quite liked Hardy...
and there's been a robbery at the fireworks factory.
Water!
Hail Mary!
- Bloody hell, Madgett! - Cissy!
Oh god there's those two runners from the beach
and Nancy.
Hardy's mother, Jake's cousin
I wonder what they're planning now?
It's one conspiracy against another.
Yours against theirs, yours to drown and theirs to prosecute.
Bloody hell there's Bellamy and he hates funerals.
I'm going to find out what he's doing.
No don't do that.
Drive on Madgett,
We don't want to get into a lot of arguments with all this water over our heads.
Then this woman tipped a bowl of sugar and a bottle of lemonade over his typewriter.
He went for a swim in the sea and because he had eaten too much
he got stomach cramps and drowned.
She gave him the kiss of life but it didn't work.
She knew it wouldn't.
She cut all his hair of with a pair of blunt scissors, just like Delilah.
This game's called hangman's cricket
What's that about hangmen?
It's a game of cricket, you really need 75 players.
Six sides of 12 and 3 umpires.
Have you got any more of these?
Hundreds.
- Where do they come from? - I've taken them
You've taken them? I don't believe you
What was all that about?
- Nothing, he's a friend of my mothers. - I'm going to another party tonight.
A dance hall over-looking the sea with lights.
We'd have crab paste, sprats in batter
and be sick in air-line bags
We're each going to be given a black rabbit as a going home present.
How come a non-swimmer belongs to a water tower conspiracy, Bellamy?
What?
A water tower conspiracy.
You've noticed?
Come on!
It's just a convenient place to meet.
What and is there a subscription list?
Yes
All those that think the Colpitt's deaths are not accidental.
I guessed that much.
What do you intend doing about it?
For a start get Madgett investigated.
That sounds business like, are you going to alert the water board?
- Poor cows. - Bloody hell.
This is no blood, it's red paint!
That little ghoul's been here already!
I thought I could smell gun powder...
I thought it was the smell of death.
It's too early for that yet...
Bellamy, this conspiracy of yours...
Do you regard me as an accessory?
'cause if I am I better get rid of you quick.
I'd like to see you try.
I don't think you're allowed to screw your wife in prison.
So I suggest that if you are seriously thinking of it..
You make good use of my free time now.
- Kiss my back side. - No
Not here you fool!
Why not?
Alright Smut, try the hawthorns.
Well Cissy
Will you marry me?
No Madgett.
I could never marry a coroner.
I could never be sure that you'd washed your hands.
Besides, how could I trust a game player?
I'm not playing games at this particular moment.
Well you're far more entertaining when you are Madgett.
Besides, you're far more valuable to me as a friend
than a coroner.
How about
as a lover?
Well
I admit to drowning Hardy,
possibly for not being a satisfactory lover.
Give or take an inch you could get into his trousers,
but I don't think I drowned him so that you could get into his bed.
Cissy is looking for a father figure.
But much as I dislike Bellamy, don't go getting ideas, remember. You're a coroner.
All coroners see are corpses.
Well they won't reject you.
Tell me Madgett, have you ever fallen in love with one of your corpses?
Yes, several.
Did you ever...
do anything?
I once kissed an old lady of 82...
on the forehead.
She was twice my age.
Is that all? Was she the only one?
No but I'm not saying any more.
Oh really Madgett!
Tell me.
I once sat up all night
with a young girl who had been run over by cows.
There wasn't a mark on her but her skull had been fractured.
She was 19.
She had blonde hair and bright blue eyes.
If she was dead how could you see the colour of her eyes?
Ah well that was the problem. I couldn't bring myself to close themr.
They were beautiful.
So what did you do?
I sat next to her and held her hand...
and I'm not saying anymore but I wasn't invited to the funeral.
I tell you what, you can come to mine.
I'm inviting you now, and...
I don't mind on the whole if you take a few liberties.
As long as they're not too gross.
Infact if I was very old I'd probably be very flattered.
I would prefer to be encouraged to take liberties now.
Well I certainly don't feel like it at the moment.
My reputation is at stake thanks to you and your mother
and I'm quite sure that Smut would not want a father who's...
an accomplice to murder.
He understands.
Coroners need corpses.
Like grave diggers need corpses.
Notice how Sid follows him around like a black shadow?
Sid's known him since he was a baby.
He's certainly going to be very interesting when he grows up.
Yes I've noticed how you're all so very fond of kissing him.
Where has he gone?
He's probably sloped off home.
We must go black berrying.
You could come with us.
No thank you.
Smut'll need to count them
and his counting drives me up the wall.
Smut, are you in?
His light's on, he's probably asleep.
I wonder if he's caught anything.
My god... Smut!
He's circumcised himself.
Call a doctor.
I can't look.
What did you do it with?
It's alright Cissy, I sterilised the scissors.
It's not funny.
Stop striking about in the water like a stranded fish.
Use your legs Bellamy!
You're just here to make fun of me.
No don't, come on lets try a link, take your floats off.
No I'm not ready yet.
Yes you are, come here..
Don't.
Someone might come in.
You said we had the place to ourselves.
Frightened of being seen wallowing in the water like a baby?
Come here
You are getting more confident in water.
Take your costume off.
Don't worry, I've locked the doors. Here's the key, look.
Madgett, what the devil are you doing here?
Picking blackberries.
We've been looking everywhere for you.
Well we've been picking blackberries..
Vitamin C is very good for eunuchs.
I don't use mine,
and Smut can't use his for the moment.
Madgett, are you drunk?
You can't get drunk on blackberries can you?
You smell
I do, well I haven't had a bath since Monday.
Well you couldn't say that about Bellamy.
Oh yes, he's been bathing too has he?
Perhaps drinking it a little?
Maybe with a bit of chlorine in it?
And drinking enough perhaps to put out a fire like this?
How did you know?
Drowning like most things come in threes.
You're sinister.
I am sinister?
What's dead now?
Just about everything.
Just about everything in this feild I should think.
There's Jonah and Moses, Jake's cousins. I didn't know they were keen runners.
Good lord there's Nancy
What's all this running for?
Why have you stopped?
I've had enough, I'm not helping anymore.
You must.
Why, why must I do it?
Madgett you're up to your neck in this.
It didn't take you long to drown your husband did it.
Three weeks, will they give me bail?
Well you only had one husband, so you can't drown another, so they might
Do they have swimming pools in prison?
Unlikely.
How come you only gave him three weeks?
I was disappointed.
I don't really understand why you had to find out that you didn't know before.
If that was only it.
I don't understand why you had to do it at all.
Loyalty you dope, and I got what I wanted.
I'm going to be sick.
What do you mean you got what you wanted?
Madgett, can I speak here or do you want to come outside?
You can speak here.
You have your permission, go ahead.
Well we went looking for you at your house.
We found these.
Then we discovered some more in a house on Amsterdam Road.
And lets say, we obtained some from another source.
Perhaps you'd like to talk about them?
What do you want me to say?
To a casual eye they could be suspicious.
Could they? Cissy, look at these.
It's Smut, he's put on a lot of weight in a month
These are good aren't they.
How did he do it?
In the hospital report
I believe your son was taken in for what can only be described as sexual mutilation
You better ask Smut about that
You better know Madgett you're under investigation
Whatever for?
For procuring pornography and maybe child abuse
Why don't you throw in a little light necrophilia as well?
You see Madgett, I told you. Smut'll get you in the end.
We're here to discuss my husband and not the family photographs.
He could so easily have changed the bulb.
Here, this might help.
I like his feet.
I like his shoulders.
What do you like?
I like a natural death.
Is any death natural?
I liked his bollocks.
Are widows eligible for the Olympic Games?
What on earth do you keep all these sheep for?
I keep them for emergencies.
What emergency?
Sleepless nights.
I count best at night.
We all count best at night.
That's it Smut, not an inch further or I'll shake you out of that tree
What's he doing?
He's counting the leaves.
Whatever for?
Have you never wondered how many leaves there are on a tree?
Never
Or fish in the sea?
Nope
- Or hairs on your head? - No
On this Saturday we'll put the ashes in the sea
or rather the river.
You Madgett can be a witness.
What do you want a witness for?
To make sure we do it correctly of course.
Isn't it illegal?
No
We're altogether here no need for secrecy.
What on earth made you choose this place?
I thought the water tower would mean we could keep them under surveillance.
Who officially invited them?
They invited themselves.
Are you sure Madgett didn't say something?
And there's the pyrotechnical expert.
It just won't light, it's too damp.
It's not surprising, Bellamy was pretty wet out of the water.
What's that smell?
- That man has a nose for a corpse - His son is quicker.
What are they?
You know you've got yours coming to you don't you?
An invitation to that field near Brough
which is surrounded by that thick hedge
where Smut is sent to catch moths and never returns with any
Madgett's harmless.
He's really only interested in games and chocolate pudding.
I wouldn't mind.
What wouldn't you mind.
It would be like sleeping with your uncle.
It would be like bribing the referee.
- What would? - More than a referee
Poor Madgett, it's like the story of Billy Goat Gruff.
What is?
Well with Madgett as the goblin under the bridge.
Do you think the grass is really greener across the stream
Without a doubt.
Here's a herring, do you think they're edible?
Well now Cissy it's your turn.
I like his hands.
I might let him touch me then I'll tell you all about it.
Well you are the last in the line.
What if you were to be disappointed?
That might spoil it, you better not go too far then
If one of us were to make it with him,
surely it would exclude the other two?
I doubt if Madgett could get it up three times in an afternoon.
Madgett we've been talking about you.
I know.
Could you get it up three times in an afternoon Madgett?
I'd like to try, it depends who's asking.
Hey look at these.
These fish are all numbered, look.
Smut, did you organise this?
Are you going to try the same thing on me as you tried on the others?
You don't think Bellamy drowned to make way for you do you?
It's strange.
What is?
How this feild is synonomous with my failure.
Where's Smut?
Oh he wouldn't come anymore.
I don't blame him.
Three rebuffs in the same place
that must be a record.
Sounds to me like you should have more imagination.
You can't swim, can you?
Anyway I'm too young for you
Suppose you're in a good position to try blackmail.
You could put all three of us away if you wanted to.
That's the last thing I want to do.
I believe you.
As you've had such bad luck with the others
I'll let you go a little of the way.
As compensation?
Put your hand here.
I've watched you watching me.
I've watched you watching all of us.
Do you think we're the same woman?
Sometimes I do.
Just because we've all got the same name?
No no
Why then?
Because of your camaraderie
Our what?
Your friendship for one another.
Do you know that I'm pregnant?
Was three weeks enough?
Ha Madgett don't be so innocent.
Three weeks was long enough to legitamise
You can kiss me here.
Will I taste anything?
Not yet you dope.
Take the rest off.
No Madgett, I'm a widow of 48 hours.
Madgett that's enough!
You must be satisfied with small services, a little at a time
Must I?
Was saving you from prison a small service?
It was death through misadventure.
Was it? There's a lot of people round here don't think that way at all.
To hell with the others.
You're deliberatly provoking me.
Am I?
Thank you for making me see reason.
About Bellamy.
That wasn't me, that was Cissy.
No well you made it possible
I knew when I married Bellamy
with you around when the time came I could drown him.
No
Madgett is this attempted rape?
You Colpitt women have used me
Madgett you're supposed to be harmless
You have destroyed me.
Don't be so melodramatic!
The best days for violent deaths are Tuesdays in the afternoon.
The safest time of all is Friday night... tonight infact.
Are you going to a party tonight?
Yes, on a boat.
We're to have pineapple fruit salad, cheese with walnuts and I'm going to dance.
And I'm going to dance.
Elsie, I love you.
- I've done what you asked me to do. - What's that?
I circumsised myself, do you want to look?
No thank you, not today.
Smut, get in.
Bye
- Well what's the game today? - Tug of War.
I hope you've recovered, don't look so miserable
you were sorely provoked.
Who's going to play this game?
The good and the evil.
Who's good and who's evil?
It depends on how you look at it.
What are they playing for?
Me and what's left of my reputation.
The man or the coroner?
Both, if they win I give in.
If who wins?
Oh god Madgett did you invite them?
They have a nose for funerals.
There are seven of them.
Then we can't complain.
Madgett what are you up to?
Well...
They ought to be here didn't they?
You don't want to be accused of secret burials do you?
And since there are obviously no rewards for me helping you
I thought enough was enough.
I've arranged to let the outcome hang on a game of wit and strength.
Come on Madgett you'll never get them to play.
If the stakes are high enough they will.
Madgett we're not letting you go that easily.
Letting me go?
If I go, you go too.
Those are the stakes.
Madgett we won't party to this.
Your game playing is your business.
We're not playing games anymore I've had enough of game playing this is serious.
And besides you're better playing games than I am.
This game is very dangerous.
I told you, all games are dangerous.
What games? I thought we were here burying ashes.
I see you've got the grave digger with you.
Sid's going to row the boat, that's all. The ashes are going on the river.
A nice provocative gesture.
We thought as a fitting send off we'd play a game.
- A game? - What sort of game?
Watch him, he's always playing games.
Don't worry Nancy we'll look after you.
- Watch what you're saying to my sister! - Shut up!
- We felt we owed you an explanation. - Shut up Madgett.
An explanation? you owe us more than a bloody explanation
Alright, we'll play your game
We'll win easily and then we'll wrap the rope around your neck Madgett.
If you win you'll get your explanation.
Right, come on
The game of Tug of War is played with as many people
as there is room for along the rope
the sides need to be evenly matched with weight and strength
to make it an interesting contest.
At an agreed signal
each team tries to pull the other over an agreed mark
or space previously decided on
Seven a side is an ideal number of players for Tug of War
Quick in the boat
We've won!
Sid, Gregory, come on we've got to get Madgett into the boat.
There's a storm coming up Madgett.
Can you swim?
I thought not.
The object of this game is to dare to fall with a noose round your neck
from a place officially high enough off the ground
such that the fall will hang you.
The object of the game is to punish those
who have caused great unhappiness
by their selfish actions
This is the best game of all
because the winner is also the loser
and the judges decision is always final.
What on earth is Smut celebrating? We lost
He arranged a little spectacle for the scattering of the ashes.
Thoughtfull boy.
Well Madgett, how do you feel about things now?
Just the same
As I said, we lost.
I've had enough.
Madgett, we haven't lost
and there's no question of any of us giving in.
What are you going to do?
There's a storm coming up, I thought I'd be prepared.
Are you going to undress to Madgett?
That way we could make it look like a proper accident.
Now Madgett, off with your clothes, it'll make it a neater ending.
What an opportunity. Alone on an open boat
with the women you love and an invitation to undress.
Don't worry about Smut. He'll be all right.
First, the burial service.
In loving memory of a gardener.
In loving memory of a businessman.
In loving memory of an unemployed
non-swimmer.